This wasn't intended as a New Year's Resolution. I have known for some time that I have tried to do it all and I have failed. I haven't consistently failed, at times others may have not even noticed my failures but nonetheless I haven't been able to do it all. At first I ignored that fact that I was floundering. I would complain but I could never ask for help. The thing is I liked being that person who could take on any challenge and even when I wanted to say no I could never bring myself to do it. Not only that but I found that I was appointing myself to new tasks knowing all the while that I would never be able to easily follow through with them. I would actually find myself depressed and overwhelmed most of the time.
There were some things I had a hard time accepting. I have a toddler and I do not have consistent childcare available. My children are involved in activities that require me to be a shuttle bus. My husband puts in 70 hours a week to make certain that I can be home to raise our family so many times I do not have back-up. Though I must say he is very supportive of my desire to be active in our community. Regardless, I run a 6 person family and that takes a lot of time.
WARNING: I am going to talk about faith.
Over the course of 2010 there were some things God started talking to me about through others. One of these things was freedom. I knew that there were some things I needed to be free from but I didn't think that my need to be part of everything activity I could find was one of those things. Over and over again this topic would come up. I would feel better about some aspects of my life but there was still a nagging. I still didn't feel free and I couldn't put my finger on why.
About a month ago I heard a voice in my head say, "Enough is enough. You don't have to do it all. Your identity is tied to what you do and is not coming from who you are." At first I ignored it but found that I kept hearing this over and over again and my eyes opened.
So my eyes are open and still I am afraid to act on it. I was afraid that others will think less of me. I was afraid that I would be worth less. I have no idea what I was using as currency for my worth but whatever it was it was wrong. A friend finally said something to me in the process of planning an event about something I had said regarding my burnout and lack of time. It was like she was telling me that it was okay to go ahead and let go of the reigns.
I have slowly been able to let go. I have handed a lot of my leading responsibilities off to others and stepped out of a few roles all together. This has started a snowball rolling because now I have been letting go of some reigns at home. There are things that I wouldn't let my husband or older children do because I was afraid that they wouldn't do them "right." (My way) It was a strain on me and on them.
So, don't all New Year's resolutions get broken? I hope not. This was never intended as a resolution it just happened at the New Year. Now I have to focus on where my identity actually lies. I don't want to be tied to how the outside views me. That is both unhealthy and unimportant. I want to be tied to who I am because I was uniquely created by God.
I know that I am a work in progress, but this seems like a good first step.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Saturday, November 27, 2010
The Death of Santa Claus
With Black Friday, my favorite shopping day of the year, came the death of Santa Claus for my 11 year old son. He has known for a few years that the magical man is really just that, magic in our hearts surrounding the holiday season. His grandma had thought that he was old enough to know at 8 years old, that is a topic for another occasion though.
This particular Black Friday he wanted to go shopping with me and with a little nudging from my husband I agreed to let him go as I was almost completely finished with his shopping. We braved our way into Toys R Us at 10pm Thanksgiving night. He was amazed at all the deals we were able to get as he helped me pick out gifts for his younger siblings. We waited in line for an hour and a half and during that time he would go to look at the toys in the aisles as we passed them. My child who is starting to outgrow toys and move onto items such as electronics, cool shoes and clothing items was paying with dinosaurs and positioning them so that they were "protecting" the aisles. When he would walk away the people in line with us would ask if he believed in Santa and I would reply with heart break that he does not.
As we neared the checkout there were drums and guitars his younger brother had been asking for and we decided that we should get them to finish up his shopping. That is when my 11 year old told me that he would like a guitar as well and I was to find that the guitars at Toys R Us are just to small for him.
We moved on with our shopping and we went to Old Navy. He asked for some new jeans so I bought him a Pair and we searched for the right sized jeans for his step dad and then we waited in line for another hour and a half. He was less playful at this point sitting on the ground while we waited. I started talking to someone else in line in front of us and when I would talk to him I would sometimes call him kiddo or tell him how cute he is, just like I always do to which he would respond, "Mooooooooom! Why are you trying to embarrass me?!?!" Now of course I was not trying to embarrass my child, but that is what I was doing.
We left Old Navy and I had been driving my husband's car which was now full so we went home to trade it out and I had hoped that my son would stay home with his step dad and sleep because my next stop was target and there was something there I wanted to buy for him. He
said he was not sleepy at all he wanted to go with me and he wanted to stop for doughnuts and hot chocolate on the way, when I complied with request I was the best mom in the world.
We arrived at Target 20 minutes before they opened and found our place in line. He waited in the cold with me and his hot chocolate and told me how much fun he was having. He conversed with the other people in line with us about the nights escapades. We ran into Target when the doors opened and went straight back to a set of Toy Story toys that were on sale for his baby brother. As we were heading towards electronics the moment I had been dreading most was about to happen. There was a video game I wanted for him that was on sale and I knew there was no way I was going to be sneaky enough. I could tell him that it was for someone else but I knew that he would know. I grabbed the game and we headed for checkout and he looked at me and said, "Thanks mom." I looked back and said, "act surprised."
We were in and out of Target in 15 minutes, a Black Friday record and off we went to the mall. I arrived at one of my favorite children's clothing stores and as I always do every year I picked out matching pajamas for the kids. My son looked at that and asked, "What about me?" I was surprised because they have little snowmen all over them and I couldn't believe that he would actually want them so I grabbed him a pair too. He may be growing up but at least I wasn't going to have to force him into them or concede to buying him the matching color... not this year at least. He helped pick out the Christmas outfits for his siblings and I bought him a new shirt to go with the sweater and he didn't even mind that it matched his younger brother's.
We finished our shopping and I was waiting for one last store to open but I looked at my little man and knew he couldn't shop with me any longer, he was finally too tired.
As I drove home I looked over at him sleeping in the car and it occurred to me that Santa Claus was dead for him. He doesn't know everything that he is getting but he has a couple of very accurate guesses. He watched me buy a present for him and stayed up all night shopping with me. I can still catch glimpses of my little boy who is all too quickly becoming a man but I know it is only a matter of time before those are gone as well.
This particular Black Friday he wanted to go shopping with me and with a little nudging from my husband I agreed to let him go as I was almost completely finished with his shopping. We braved our way into Toys R Us at 10pm Thanksgiving night. He was amazed at all the deals we were able to get as he helped me pick out gifts for his younger siblings. We waited in line for an hour and a half and during that time he would go to look at the toys in the aisles as we passed them. My child who is starting to outgrow toys and move onto items such as electronics, cool shoes and clothing items was paying with dinosaurs and positioning them so that they were "protecting" the aisles. When he would walk away the people in line with us would ask if he believed in Santa and I would reply with heart break that he does not.
As we neared the checkout there were drums and guitars his younger brother had been asking for and we decided that we should get them to finish up his shopping. That is when my 11 year old told me that he would like a guitar as well and I was to find that the guitars at Toys R Us are just to small for him.
We moved on with our shopping and we went to Old Navy. He asked for some new jeans so I bought him a Pair and we searched for the right sized jeans for his step dad and then we waited in line for another hour and a half. He was less playful at this point sitting on the ground while we waited. I started talking to someone else in line in front of us and when I would talk to him I would sometimes call him kiddo or tell him how cute he is, just like I always do to which he would respond, "Mooooooooom! Why are you trying to embarrass me?!?!" Now of course I was not trying to embarrass my child, but that is what I was doing.
We left Old Navy and I had been driving my husband's car which was now full so we went home to trade it out and I had hoped that my son would stay home with his step dad and sleep because my next stop was target and there was something there I wanted to buy for him. He
said he was not sleepy at all he wanted to go with me and he wanted to stop for doughnuts and hot chocolate on the way, when I complied with request I was the best mom in the world.
We arrived at Target 20 minutes before they opened and found our place in line. He waited in the cold with me and his hot chocolate and told me how much fun he was having. He conversed with the other people in line with us about the nights escapades. We ran into Target when the doors opened and went straight back to a set of Toy Story toys that were on sale for his baby brother. As we were heading towards electronics the moment I had been dreading most was about to happen. There was a video game I wanted for him that was on sale and I knew there was no way I was going to be sneaky enough. I could tell him that it was for someone else but I knew that he would know. I grabbed the game and we headed for checkout and he looked at me and said, "Thanks mom." I looked back and said, "act surprised."
We were in and out of Target in 15 minutes, a Black Friday record and off we went to the mall. I arrived at one of my favorite children's clothing stores and as I always do every year I picked out matching pajamas for the kids. My son looked at that and asked, "What about me?" I was surprised because they have little snowmen all over them and I couldn't believe that he would actually want them so I grabbed him a pair too. He may be growing up but at least I wasn't going to have to force him into them or concede to buying him the matching color... not this year at least. He helped pick out the Christmas outfits for his siblings and I bought him a new shirt to go with the sweater and he didn't even mind that it matched his younger brother's.
We finished our shopping and I was waiting for one last store to open but I looked at my little man and knew he couldn't shop with me any longer, he was finally too tired.
As I drove home I looked over at him sleeping in the car and it occurred to me that Santa Claus was dead for him. He doesn't know everything that he is getting but he has a couple of very accurate guesses. He watched me buy a present for him and stayed up all night shopping with me. I can still catch glimpses of my little boy who is all too quickly becoming a man but I know it is only a matter of time before those are gone as well.
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