My New Year's Resolution: A New Identity

This wasn't intended as a New Year's Resolution. I have known for some time that I have tried to do it all and I have failed. I haven't consistently failed, at times others may have not even noticed my failures but nonetheless I haven't been able to do it all. At first I ignored that fact that I was floundering. I would complain but I could never ask for help. The thing is I liked being that person who could take on any challenge and even when I wanted to say no I could never bring myself to do it. Not only that but I found that I was appointing myself to new tasks knowing all the while that I would never be able to easily follow through with them. I would actually find myself depressed and overwhelmed most of the time.

There were some things I had a hard time accepting. I have a toddler and I do not have consistent childcare available. My children are involved in activities that require me to be a shuttle bus. My husband puts in 70 hours a week to make certain that I can be home to raise our family so many times I do not have back-up. Though I must say he is very supportive of my desire to be active in our community. Regardless, I run a 6 person family and that takes a lot of time.

WARNING: I am going to talk about faith.

Over the course of 2010 there were some things God started talking to me about through others. One of these things was freedom. I knew that there were some things I needed to be free from but I didn't think that my need to be part of everything activity I could find was one of those things. Over and over again this topic would come up. I would feel better about some aspects of my life but there was still a nagging. I still didn't feel free and I couldn't put my finger on why.

About a month ago I heard a voice in my head say, "Enough is enough. You don't have to do it all. Your identity is tied to what you do and is not coming from who you are." At first I ignored it but found that I kept hearing this over and over again and my eyes opened.

So my eyes are open and still I am afraid to act on it. I was afraid that others will think less of me. I was afraid that I would be worth less. I have no idea what I was using as currency for my worth but whatever it was it was wrong. A friend finally said something to me in the process of planning an event about something I had said regarding my burnout and lack of time. It was like she was telling me that it was okay to go ahead and let go of the reigns.

I have slowly been able to let go. I have handed a lot of my leading responsibilities off to others and stepped out of a few roles all together. This has started a snowball rolling because now I have been letting go of some reigns at home. There are things that I wouldn't let my husband or older children do because I was afraid that they wouldn't do them "right." (My way) It was a strain on me and on them.

So, don't all New Year's resolutions get broken? I hope not. This was never intended as a resolution it just happened at the New Year. Now I have to focus on where my identity actually lies. I don't want to be tied to how the outside views me. That is both unhealthy and unimportant. I want to be tied to who I am because I was uniquely created by God.

I know that I am a work in progress, but this seems like a good first step.